who's the turkey?

thanksgiving was not what i expected it would be.

not entirely.

originally, we were going to go out for dinner; i’m not sure where.

then, around a week before, susie decided she was going to make dinner; roast a turkey; make dressing; all the traditional trappings.

come tuesday night (that would be the tuesday just 2-days before thanksgiving) i learned that what susie meant by roasting a turkey actually meant that she was buying a roasted turkey from whole foods.

she had not, however, yet ordered it.

so, wednesday morning i ventured into the hell known as whole foods to buy one of these fabled roasted turkeys.

there were none, as i suspected. there also were no fresh, or even thawed, previously frozen birds.

without haste, i left whole foods, and the chaos of neo-hippies, brain-dead liberals and wealthy idiots who seem to congregate to be seen by the other neo-hippies, brain-dead liberals and wealthy idiots, and drove around the corner to the monte vista market.

the monte vista is known for, not only the workplace of the original melvin (pronounced: mebbin) and his magnificent barbeque work, but the best meats on the peninsula; unless, of course, you are a neo-hippie, brain-dead liberal or wealthy idiot.

i set out looking for a 12-pound turkey; i had to settle for a 15-pound free ranger sans hormones.

on the way back to the castle i stopped off at save-mart to grab a few other provisions, spices and necessities.

have you figured it out yet that i’m now the chief thanksgiving chef?

i’m a smart guy; i should have known when i heard that susie was going to make dinner that i was going to be doing the cooking.

but, not being much of a fan of traditional thanksgiving foods, i find it difficult to get geared up to preparing those foods. but, i decided to give it my best effort.

i slipped some fresh herbs (sage, thyme and rosemary) and ground pepper between the skin and meat, popped a cut-up onion, a few cloves of garlic and some celery tops into the cavity, dry-rubbed ground pepper and salt over the skin and put the breast-down turkey into a 450° oven for 20-minutes before backing the thermostat down to 325. after a couple of hours i tuned the breasts-up and took off the foil-tent to let it brown.

i was given a sit-down-to-dinner-time of 2:00 (why is it that thanksgiving dinner comes so early?). but, when my bird was already out of the oven and resting, ready to be taken up to the dollhouse, i got a call telling me that i would get a call in about an hour to bring the turkey, gravy fixin’s and candied yams; susie needed more time to finish her part of the dinner.

by 4:30 i gave up, packed up the dinner and headed to the dollhouse.

when i got there susie was just beginning to prepare a whole foods version of stovetop stuffing and mashing potatoes, her contribution to dinner. oh, and a can of cranberries (it’s no wonder that people hate cranberries if all they have had are cranberries out of a can).

by 5:30 we sat down to eat my turkey dinner that was ready 3-and-a-half-hour earlier.

well, you can’t have turkey without stuffing, right?

but, we couldn’t eat until ron told us a thanksgiving story.

despite the tardiness: the turkey was still moist!

and, since it had the chance to “rest” for such a long time, it carved (even with one of the dollhouse's not-so-sharp knives) easily and neatly.

knowing that i would be facing the same situation for christmas dinner, i have already volunteered to cook the entire dinner.

i’m such a fool!