Welcome to the Monty Wolf Blog!
Here you will find random bits of me

Monday, August 20, 2007

tales to tell: the infamous goiter incident #2

WARNING: do not take any of the links on this page if you have difficulty looking at anatomical images. they are not pictures of me, parts of me, or former parts removed from me.
i tell this particular story only to wrap up the “infamous goiter incidents”.
several years ago, apparently overnight, i had a growth appear on my left shoulder.
it was perfectly round, did not hurt and had no color to it.
fearing, however, that it may be a tumor, and since i was due to visit dr. tim anyway, i scheduled an appointment to have it evaluated.
once again, dr. tim put me at ease that i did not have a tumor.
he told me it was a sebaceous cyst, it was not cancerous and only needed to be excised if i wanted to have it surgically removed. unless, however, it began to grow, change color or cause pain.
since “surgically removed” equates to a big bill, even when i did have semi-adequate insurance, i decided, since it was below my collar, i could live with it.
it was only obvious when i had my shirt off. which was most of the time i was in the desert during the spring, summer and fall when i lived in nevada and as soon as i got home from work, no matter what time of year; i really do hate clothing and take any and every opportunity to remove them; another great thing about the desert!
occasionally i would get asked about it and would, laughingly call it my twin cyster who never developed past the embryonic-stage. rarely did anyone get it. i think it works better in print than aurally.
at any rate: my twin cyster and i lived harmoniously for a few years until my friend, jim, one of two jims i call the best of my friends, couldn't resist himself.
from the first time jim noticed it, he could not keep his hands off of it.
now, one of the cool things about jim is that he gives a great massage, which i was more than happy for him to perform on me, especially after my brother and i took a rollover in his land rover at 75 mph.
so, he always had his fingers near it.
he was totally fascinated with it!
and, eventually, it happened: he couldn't keep his hands off of it and popped it just before i moved to the coast.
from that night on it didn't feel quite right.
eventually, it began to burn, was irregular in shape and the skin around it turned red.
ron, being the squeamish guy he is (and me being the nudist that i am) immediately ordered me to the doctor to have, what ron began calling, my new goiter, removed. susie, on the other hand, wanted to look at it every chance she got.
by the time i could get an appointment, the cyst had come to a head and began to slowly excrete fluids.
so, i paid a visit to ron’s family doctor, an indian woman by the name of dr. mohandas, a very pleasant woman, about 5’1” with hands the size of a child, whom i also found to be very personable.
dr. mohandas told me how lucky i was that it had come to a head, as it would really be painful if she needed to lance it.
lucky me!
she grabbed a stack of gauze and went to work on me, squeezing the growth like it was a giant zit! (ok, this link is funny!)
i’m going to try not to be too graphic here. this part of the story is also better told aurally than in print as you miss the accent, which ron tells me, i do quite well.
i can still hear her (phonetically spelled here): “oh my gode, moe-nty, you should see all… oh my gode it’s… oh my gode!” as the diminutive doctor continued to brutalize me, reminding me how lucky i was that she didn’t have to lance it.
lucky me!
she sent me home with a prescription for keflex and told me to return the next day to be brutalized again.
the ensuing episode was not nearly as purging, but it sho’ was painful.
my cyster is a shadow of her former-self – only noticeable because of the slight discoloration where the lump used to reside, and ron even lets me walk around the house without a shirt; a victory in itself.
it no longer offers any pain and only occasionally itches as it continues to heal.
i have, just tonight, finally taken the last of the keflex i have been taking.
i say finally because it has a not-so-pleasant side-effect: the damn things have been causing me the worst gas in my life!
when i say worst i don’t mean painful, if you get my drift! and if you do: please, stand upwind and accept my apology!
i couldn't even stand myself!
even the empty bottle reeks with the lid tightly closed!
well, at least that is over. or, will soon be over.
and so is the final episode of the “infamous goiter incident.”
you can now return your chairs to the full upright position.

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